Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Time to light the candle.

There comes a time when you have to get rid of baggage. As a good friend of mine put it, you have to clean out your house.

I've come (once again) to a point where the purging of useless/mindless/ridiculous things is going to be the healthiest choice.
God help me.

As I said earlier, I know that we go through things in an effort to grow, to be furthered as a person. However, I really wish sometimes (and only sometimes) that there was another way. There is the rub.

For the past month and a half I have been pounded. Over and over again. I would get hit with something the break up and get hit by something else all over again. I get tired of trying to work through something only to be hit with something else, sometimes worse, and have to start all over.

Somehow I lost the joy in my life. I lost the sense of who I am. I lost the idea of where I was going. I lost a lot.

I think I might be gaining it back. It's very hard to hold on to that feeling when the fear surfaces... oh snap, what if something else comes to rob me of this?

God has been using this time, I can see that now, to mold me. He's been screaming TRUST ME! at the top of His very large lungs. There have been subtle things happening in my life that have alluded to this conclusion. He always provides. He always listens. Most of all He sustains me. He keeps me going when I feel like I can no longer go. More than that He pushes me further, spurs me on to become more. To seek more. To just be more.

Tonight I'm going to light a candle and I'm going to meditate on how my life has been going and how so many things got beyond my control. I'm going to take a step back from that and gain some Godly perspective (if He is willing to give it. Though I have a feeling He's ready to throw it at me) and let it go. It's certainly something to consider when you see that He calmed the storm and that He can clearly handle my small life and what matters in it.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory...

As I read on one of my favorite blogs-
-What I want to say is that I have no idea what healthy means. But I do know about healing.
-What I want to say is celebrate often and grieve well.
-What I want to say is let silence surround you like a blanket when words simply will not soothe.
-What I want to say is should is a terrible reason to do anything.
-What I want to say is: relax.
-What I want to say is love and be loved. If nothing else, love deeply.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Goodness me, it's May

Okay, let's start at the beginning:

Scott and I broke up. I won't go into the gory details, the bottom line is that we broke up. To be honest, I'm relieved that it happened. I certainly cared for him, I thought that things were vastly different than they were. Alas. I suppose we go through things like that in order to grow, I wish there was another way sometimes to be tried and tested.

I thought about going and taking down the posts that involve him, but I decided that it's part of my history and something that is shaping me so I think I'll leave them. At the very least it's a reminder of something to be leery of.

Another big thing is that Logan and I are officially friends again.


Yeah, I know. I found out that there was a chance of him being deployed and God put it on my heart to send him a message saying that I hope he was safe and that I'd be praying for him. Turns out he's not being deployed and that opened up a door for us to find closure from serious wounds and brought us to our friendship.

I went riding with him yesterday on his motorcycle, it was really fun. It was also really nice that we could go and do that with no pressure and no drama. All I've been able to think is that life is certainly an interesting game of cards. Things that I never thought were possible have been happening. I've gotten closure from the most hurtful of experiences.

I will try to update once again this evening as I'll be with Whitford (holla back!) but for now I'm off to the church!