fresh

So, it has been a long time since my last post - I'm here to fix that.

Since my last entry I have:
-gotten over someone
-stopped working on sundays
-found a new intrest
-gotten two new journals
-found a polaroid camera
-taken lots of polaroids
-settled some priorities
-enjoyed the crap out of my life

For the first on the list:
I was involved in a horribly unhealthy "relationship" that had lasted an absurd amount of time. There had been a couple of months with almost zero contact and God said, "Hey, I miss you. I think you're neat. Come talk to me. Oh, and by the way, you are absolutely done with this idiot boy." I said, "Thanks for the heads up. No problem. I think you're neat too."

Done? Wow.

Enter the facebook message (oh yes, facebook). I basically said I was finished and I didn't think we had to never talk or anything like that, but that we'd never be what we were. ever. again. never. (etc) and I told him that I had learned to protect my heart and that he would have to earn the right back to see me. It took a lot for me to write that to him. The boy that I always made allowances for, the one I thought really loved me, really would fight for me, and wanted to be with me. Somehow I had believed all of those things. So when I wrote that my hands were shaking and I had to ask God if this was really thing right thing to say. He said, "Why, yes it is". Okay God, whatever You say.
So, after everything that I had believed about this relationship, after everything I had put into it, after all the tears, broken hearts, and b.s. along the way this is what he said back to me:
"I love you more than you know (obviously), but I'm not going to try and earn a chance to see you. That's bullshit".

Really? Awesome.

That right there was the defining moment our relationship. Contradiction in terms. I love you but I'm not willing to fight for you.

Cool. That works.

So girls: stay away from crap like that. That is the moral of the story.

I'm doing quite well. I've started talking to another guy who I've known since college (that feels weird to say, oh wait, I'm not in college anymore. right.), he's nice and he likes the woods and he knows how to cook. Woohoo! So we'll see. Moving very very slow. That works just fine for me.

Also, I told my boss that I was no longer going to work on Sundays. As God told me that I was done with the idiot boy, He also said, "Oh, I forgot, you're no longer going to work on Sundays. You're going to spend that time with Me."

Sure thing God.

I'm going to be going to The Vine basically every Sunday. I'm pretty thrilled about that. Fellowship! Yes!

Norah Jones is extremely fun to listen to when you're cooking. Somehow when it's ready it tastes better. This is true of speghetti at least. Ha! It's quite nice to listen to some really great mellow music and cook at the same time. On a pink Zune of course.

Oh yes, my Zune is pink.

whew

Since my last post things have gotten considerably better!

I've been working through a lot of the things that were holding me back and not doing me any good. I feel like God and I have made some seriously great progress, and while I might not be 100% yet I'm close.

Enter: relief, gratitude, excitement, entertainment, and love.

In the last few weeks I have learned that:
I have amazing, supportive, steadfast friends
I have an amazing job and the kids are wonderful
Doubting my faith makes me stronger
Polaroid pictures are the greatest things ever
New journals inspire me
Wearing Danskos makes me smile
Because of Danskos I have new cute socks
Spending time with Whitford makes me ecstatic
The rain is inspiring and balm to me
Seeing my brother in the evenings makes my heart happy
Having my sister be in the after school program with me is oddly refreshing
...and stopping to watch the geese makes me laugh.

I've been working mostly in the evenings which is nice, I have my days free to myself. That has proven quite useful in a myriad of ways.

Mom and I are going to start finishing up my resume and then sending it out, posting it on the internet, etc. Time to start that journey. I'll keep you updated!

For now, it's time for some coffee before I head to the church.

Ciao.

sheesh.

I have realized in the last 6 hours that I am especially heartbroken.

I had a fantastic morning with my church kids (note: they are different from my after school kids), even though I was dreading being there today. I was listening to Tool in the car when I parked this morning, and as I looked down toward the door (behind which is sometimes heaven, sometimes hell) I thought, "wow... no amount of Tool can make me want to be here today". I finally gave it up after a rousing shouting of Jambi and went inside to start for the morning when I was asked to do Children's Church. Now I have never ever done children's church, but hey who's up for new things? Me! I had the best time. Afterwards I ended up in my room with my sweet Landry and we played the morning away.

It was only on the drive home that I came to pieces in the car. Can I just tell you friends? Driving is therapy at times and then other times it's like a prison. Sometimes you can drive away from what is bothering you and that makes it better. This was not one of those times, this was a time where you realize that no amount of driving can make it better because there is nothing to get away from... it's all inside of you.

Terrible.

I came home and proceeded to eat comfort spaghetti and I slept for over and hour while listening to Gilmore Girls. Good news: I'm no longer bawling. Bad news: I now must deal with this constant hurt. There's the rub. I will not go into detail as to what has broken my heart because it does no good to spill your guts on the internet, but I will ask for you to be in prayer.

On a side note, I found a daisy during my daily travels last week and it's doing very well on my window.

That is basically all, except of course that my birthday is on Thursday. I will be 22. It'll be neat and hopefully by then I will be feeling more like myself.

A New Chapter

I need to start this off with a story that made me smack my forehead:
I was sitting in the first row of chairs at the graduation rehearsal minding my own business when this really bleach blond girl came to sit by me.
Okay fine, she looks nice enough.
So she strikes up idle conversation.
Sure, go along with it, whatever.
She looks at me and says out of no where "Oh my goodness! Is that your natural hair color?!"
Oh my lord. Are you serious?! "Yes, yes this is my natural hair color..."
"Well it is just gorgeous! I'll have to see if I can get mine that way"
*awkwardly* "Gee.... thanks." Omg. Kill me.

[I need an alter ego]

You have to wonder sometimes where society is going! I mean yes, I have fallen victim to thinking that I have to have a flat stomach and no love handles and it's something I grapple with on an hourly basis and then have to remind myself that I'm perfect how God made me. But please give me my natural hair color! I beseech you!

Moving on:

I am officially a graduate of Western Carolina University! Woohoo! This is all very exciting that's for sure. I don't know what to do with all of this crazy new free time! I had a lot of stuff going on when I had my two online classes. Work and studying/reading/writing papers/making power points etc., made for zero free play time. Now all I have to do is work, which I haven't done all weekend. It's been incredibly liberating to be able to watch a movie with my family and not think about the work I should be doing! Of course, I do think I will go back for my masters, but I'd like to make sure I really do love my field before I do that. You don't play around with a masters. Man, this is crazy. I'm no longer a student but am a real contributer to society! Woot! We'll see how this goes. Now the job hunt ensues. Be in prayer friends as I have NO idea where or what I will be doing.

This picture below is me after the ceremony, however, I felt just like this the entire time I was at WCU, the time leading up to walking especially:

This is the classic parents flanking the graduate shot:


We were all pretty jazzed. And I got flowers! I love getting flowers, it's one of my favorite things!



Now, I was looking at my room here at home thinking about how things will be changing sooner than I realize and how crazy life will get. As I was looking and thinking I saw my bed and thought, "man that looks nice". It's so lovely to see something that is a staple in your life and realize how inviting it is!




For serious, how comfy does that look? And those are the flowers that I got for graduation :]
And yes, that is Eclipse laying on my bed, yes I am a Twilight Fan. And yes I did pre-order Breaking Dawn online. Shut up.

That is me. Enjoying the crap out of my bed.

That's all I have time for now. I have cross stitching and reading to do with my new found freedom!

:]

mhmm.

I got an A in Chem. Yes everyone, Shannon Mimms got an A in Chem. Who saw that coming? Not I.

Now to tackle the remaining 2 weeks of Native American Religion and I will hopefully have a 4.0 for my last semester at WCU. Holla holla to being an almost grad.

So my friend is getting married. It's not the best thing for her at all. At all. But she is going to do it and it's been such a struggle for me. I think I care too much. But whatever. So we were at work one night and I was working on announcements for graduation and out of no where this burst of love and compassion overwhelmed me and I said I'll do whatever you need for the wedding. I proceeded to ramble off a list of possible things I could help with including murder, baking, and flower arranging. She looked at me and said that's good because I want you to be a bridesmaid.

....what?

So I said okay, if that's what you want me to do I'll do it.

I need a little animated character of myself that acts out what I'm really thinking or feeling. Like Lizzie McGuire from back in the day. I was totally shocked when she asked me to do that. Of course on reflection I saw that she had wanted to and because I'm so bull headed and hateful sometimes she was afraid to ask me. As I said, I care far to much.

So behold: Shannon the anti-marriage, reformed bridesmaid.

I got a new camera. It's a Canon PowerShot and I really love it. It has the cool flippy screen and whatnot. Super fun. I've been taking pictures like no one's business!

I babysat two of the coolest kids ever on Friday night. Caleb and Megan. They live way the crap out in White Oak and I saw some elk while Megan and I were on the trampoline speaking in British accents. It was pretty much amazing. I love that I get paid to play on the Will Fit, trampoline and swings with two kids that I love. It's a good life. Unfortunately I've been working upwards of 50 hours a week with my children at Long's. Some days it's amazing and I wouldn't' have it any other way. Other times I want to commit some terrible crime. All in all it's been a rewarding summer so far.

All the fam comes down from IN and other various places on August 1st to see me walk across the stage like a cool kid. It'll be neat.

We're also going to Charleston on Friday and I'm so excited I can't see straight! Charleston is one of my favorite cities in the world for sure. Maybe my favorite... next to Oxford. I really loved Oxford. So I have this great camera and I'll be in a fabulous city with my amazing brother. I will have lots to share with you.

In the meantime I must return to reading for class. I have a big quiz and a few presentations to fine tune... wooohooo!

I saw this on another blog and fell totally in love with it. I love that people can abandon caution and just dance.
This makes my heart smile!

thought.

tonight i came home and sat with my brother as i slowly dissolved into something i didn't recognize but could empathize with.


..(what a loaded statement)..


i have a friend that is going to make a mistake, or so i feel, somewhat soon. it's an imminent decision on this friend's part. i see a brick wall, my friend sees happiness forever.

i have prayed long about my viewpoint. i have thought hard about my viewpoint. making ever so sure that i am in fact not projecting onto my friend my own reservations, but genuinely being unbiased so as to make the right decision when offering advice.


as i realized that though my friend asked and listened to my advice, they did not in fact hear and absorb it.


this friend is heading in a direction that i have been. i have to believe that there is redemption. i have to believe there is a reason why i went through what i did and why i continue to suffer and be plagued by it daily.


when my words were unceremoniously cast aside, it created something in me that i still do not recognize. something that i still am grappling with, and something i fear i will continue to grapple with. perhaps it's my own pain that i have been shielding myself from for so long. perhaps it's that i care far to much for the people in my life. perhaps God is trying to tell/teach me something. perhaps i'm very mellow dramatic. i'm afraid i don't know the answer.


my resounding question was and continues to be this:
have i not suffered enough?


have i not suffered enough, does it not count for anything? is there nothing i can do with my experience to make it somewhat positive? can i not teach others from my past? what is it?


and here i sit. still wondering. still not able to accept what is happening in my friend's life and not able to accept what is happening within myself.


God makes all things good. i'm working toward that. i'm working toward letting Him make this good. i'm working toward divine healing.



on a side note. a very light and fluffy side note, i found a daisy in my yard today. my yard, you must understand, is a barren waste land. nothing but random types of grass grows and not much at that. one, daisies are my favorite. two, it made my day.

Behold! The Daisy!