it's a small crime, and i've got no excuse.

Hello April. Let's be friends.


I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm over-exerting myself. I'm wearing thin. I'm getting sad.

Those are the types of things I've been recently thinking during my day. Subconsciously mostly... which is surprising. I've been dreaming dreams about things I'd rather not think about or re-live. I've been put in awkward positions which I haven't handle well due to my lack of tact with words. I've been hurt and had it mended but am still feeling the residual pain.

Today one of my kids got hit in the chest by another kid. It was a complete accident and the boy that did the hitting felt awful and tried to make it better for the girl. She kept asking me to call her mom saying that her chest hurt. I'm so drained and all I could think was, "yeah mine too." My assistant asked her if she was sure that it wasn't just her feelings that were hurt and that was why she was in pain. She said, "yes, my feelings are hurt. I think that's why I'm hurting right here." She pointed to the middle of her chest. Not over her heart, but the middle. Right where I hurt. It made me think about how things affect even the smallest of us. She was hurting because she got hurt, but more so because her feelings were hurt. Don't we all get that way sometimes?

The question is, what do we do with that pain?

As for me, I'm still looking for a place to put it or dispose of it or torch it or... something.

I'm so frustrated with how much my past has begun to affect how I feel about myself. I'm so hard on myself. Poor Scott is always saying, "I wish you weren't so hard on yourself love" or something akin to that. I can't seem to come up with a solution. I've begun working out 3 times a week and jogging/walking on the other days. That seems to be helping... a friend of mine calls it free therapy. I've been taking more time to pray. I should be doing that regardless but I forget to talk to my Maker because I find myself stepping in front of Him to take it all on. He doesn't like that much. It may just be that He's in the process of reeling me back in. I don't know.

I'm struggling and working to get through it. Maybe it's that I'm growing? Maybe it's just that I can't get out of this hole I've fallen in. Maybe it'll just take more time. I can't say. Whatever it is, I hops it starts working fast.

it's about time i wrote something down.

It's been a while, let's catch up.

Since my last post a lot has been happening. A lot personally and professionally.

I started teaching the 4 & 5 year old class and I'm excited to say that I really enjoy it. It was soooo much more of a challenge than I expected what with lesson plans, tantrums, and whatnot. But, I must say the reward of it all is far outweighs the battles. I've begun teaching them what little Spanish I know and it's so amazing for me when I ask what a color is en espanol and someone blurts out "Azul", "Rojo", "Verde"! I clearly don't have kids yet but it's a privilege to work with these sweet little ones for the short time that I have them.

Today I realized how much they teach me sometimes! I mean yes, I am just like them in many ways except for bills and the fact that I'm a little bit taller. They show me things on a daily basis that just blow me away -- today I put dominoes, colored bears, and letter magnets on our tables. The first thing they did was jump right in and they began to make shapes and patterns. Then they got all crazy with the dominoes, I showed them how to make a long line and push them over, which they loved. I got busy with the girls making patterns and all of the sudden I looked down and the boys had dominoes lined up in swirly patterns everywhere! They took it so much further than I expected, we had the best time setting them up and knocking them down.

We've also begun to play musical chairs, they love it. I've noticed that when one of them get "out" rather than get sad and act like a bad sport they shrug it off and wait until the next game. It's so great to see that, it reminds me of how we should be in life. To not sweat the small things. Chalk it all up to a learning experience and move on.

I've been with Scott for about 3 months, the best 3 months actually. I'm slowly working through a lot of my old issues and the brick wall of Jericho is finally (even if very slowly) coming down. It's very encouraging to have someone in my life who loves me fully - he doesn't get frustrated with my inability to express how I feel sometimes, rather he sits with me quietly and patiently. He also brings me joy - no matter the situation. If I'm sad he brings me daisies, if I'm frustrated he lets me vent, if I'm happy he celebrates with me, if I'm quiet he sits with me. I think I understand now what it means to fully be loved and cherished by someone. Yes, I know, I'm 22 and this is only a 3 month old relationship. I am very well aware of how absurd this may sound to some of my more jaded friends, however, I am so so very happy. Much more than I ever anticipated being with anyone. All I can do is thank God for finally sending someone worth while my way and pray it leads me where He wants me to be.

We had the most amazing snow... like a week ago. Of course, now it's in the 70's. Whatever, life is random like that sometimes. Anyways - I got out with my family and played, it was the best time ever! We made snow angels, a snow man named Jack, Nathan started a snowball fight, we went sledding. I mean it was basically amazing, I'm going to need at least one more great snow before the end of the season... come on March! Show me the lion in ya!

I'm pretty much really excited about spring and St. Patrick's day. The kids and I have been talking about spring and all the fun things we can do when it comes - we're flying kites tomorrow. I mean how cool is that?! We're also talking about what kind of green food we want on St. Patrick's day. Ha! I've gotten them used to bagpipes and folk dance so we can rock the house down when the day comes! I honestly can't wait, it'll be amazing.

This is all I have time for now so I'll leave you with some pictures:

oh how life goes on.

I have found that as I spend more time with my friend Zac the more I like "popular" music. Liiiike "Let it Rock" & "Miss Independent".

I mean... wtf?

For real ya'll, it cracks me up because I am all about some metal. I don't like rap or much R&B but here I am listening to this mess and enjoying it. Zac takes great pride in the fact that he alone can get me to listen to this stuff.

Whatev, Zac. Whatev.

I babysat two of my favorite kids last night. Before the parents left I was talking with their mom and she was telling me of some things happening in their lives... very similar to what is going on with my folks. It makes me feel better to know that the things going on at my house aren't the only place they're happening.

My brother has decided to dred his hair, and he looks hilarious right now. Taylor came over tonight and got it all set up and now he looks like Medusa. Naturally I'm right there to give him a hard time about the whole thing. I think he'll look pretty kick-a with his new look. He's pretty cool like that.

I have taken a job at Long's teaching the 4 year old class. I'm really nervous and really excited about the whole thing. I think it'll be a blast, that age group is so much fun. I also have a lot of support, not only here at home, but also at the church. It's so nice to hear people encourage me and say "I'm here for whatever you need!". I need that in my life. I'm going on Monday to observe a bit and see which kids can handle what and how the general atmosphere is in the room. I'm really excited to take on this challenge!

I think my grandfather may be dying too. My mom is heading to FL this week to see how he is doing. I'll keep you updated, just keep us in your prayers.

That's all I can muster tonight.
Hasta Luego!

amore

So, there is this boy...
♥

so this is a bit loaded

Today I was reading another blog I like to check in on and I went to the website that she recommended. As I was browsing through some of the art I came upon this one:



It struck me for sure. This wasn't easy to see and take in, however, I agree with what this picture is saying. To me, this is what Christianity has widely become. Maybe not everywhere, but I feel like the church has degenerated into what this picture represents.

That makes me sad.

I hope that as someone that loves Jesus I can do my part, however big or small that part may be, to rectify the damage the church has done. It seems to me that people like Jesus. What they don't like is, well to put it bluntly, Christians. It's my hope that we as individuals can turn that outlook around simply by trying to be more like Jesus.

my favorite

Happy Thanksgiving my friends. This is indeed my favorite holiday! I have so much to be thankful for and I plan on celebrating that to it's height today! I hope your celebration is as deep, full, and appreciated as mine!

:]

okay, so

I really suck at life since I haven't been updating on a daily basis with thankful things. However! I do have a rather large list, compiled of things that have happened over the week.

Let's see here...
-Having a day off
-Spending that day off with my brother
-Spending that day off in Panacea
-Having lunch with Kate and Whit at Panacea
-Playing in the leaves
-Having a phone date with a very sweet friend
-Having coffee with a different sweet friend
-Bonding with my family
-Rain
-Wearing my new North Face
-Hemp
-Time with my Afterschoolers
-Seeing Whit on a daily basis
-Hanging with Landry and J tonight
-My plans for this weekend
-Finding my old routine
-Being thankful for the old routine
-Praying
-Coldplay
-New ringtones
-New friends
-Love
-etc...

Now then, that surely makes up for the lack of updating. Let's see if I can actually keep up with it as we count down to Thanksgiving!

Woot.