thought.

tonight i came home and sat with my brother as i slowly dissolved into something i didn't recognize but could empathize with.


..(what a loaded statement)..


i have a friend that is going to make a mistake, or so i feel, somewhat soon. it's an imminent decision on this friend's part. i see a brick wall, my friend sees happiness forever.

i have prayed long about my viewpoint. i have thought hard about my viewpoint. making ever so sure that i am in fact not projecting onto my friend my own reservations, but genuinely being unbiased so as to make the right decision when offering advice.


as i realized that though my friend asked and listened to my advice, they did not in fact hear and absorb it.


this friend is heading in a direction that i have been. i have to believe that there is redemption. i have to believe there is a reason why i went through what i did and why i continue to suffer and be plagued by it daily.


when my words were unceremoniously cast aside, it created something in me that i still do not recognize. something that i still am grappling with, and something i fear i will continue to grapple with. perhaps it's my own pain that i have been shielding myself from for so long. perhaps it's that i care far to much for the people in my life. perhaps God is trying to tell/teach me something. perhaps i'm very mellow dramatic. i'm afraid i don't know the answer.


my resounding question was and continues to be this:
have i not suffered enough?


have i not suffered enough, does it not count for anything? is there nothing i can do with my experience to make it somewhat positive? can i not teach others from my past? what is it?


and here i sit. still wondering. still not able to accept what is happening in my friend's life and not able to accept what is happening within myself.


God makes all things good. i'm working toward that. i'm working toward letting Him make this good. i'm working toward divine healing.



on a side note. a very light and fluffy side note, i found a daisy in my yard today. my yard, you must understand, is a barren waste land. nothing but random types of grass grows and not much at that. one, daisies are my favorite. two, it made my day.

Behold! The Daisy!