Wednesday, April 1, 2009

it's a small crime, and i've got no excuse.

Hello April. Let's be friends.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm over-exerting myself. I'm wearing thin. I'm getting sad.

Those are the types of things I've been recently thinking during my day. Subconsciously mostly... which is surprising. I've been dreaming dreams about things I'd rather not think about or re-live. I've been put in awkward positions which I haven't handle well due to my lack of tact with words. I've been hurt and had it mended but am still feeling the residual pain.

Today one of my kids got hit in the chest by another kid. It was a complete accident and the boy that did the hitting felt awful and tried to make it better for the girl. She kept asking me to call her mom saying that her chest hurt. I'm so drained and all I could think was, "yeah mine too." My assistant asked her if she was sure that it wasn't just her feelings that were hurt and that was why she was in pain. She said, "yes, my feelings are hurt. I think that's why I'm hurting right here." She pointed to the middle of her chest. Not over her heart, but the middle. Right where I hurt. It made me think about how things affect even the smallest of us. She was hurting because she got hurt, but more so because her feelings were hurt. Don't we all get that way sometimes?

The question is, what do we do with that pain?

As for me, I'm still looking for a place to put it or dispose of it or torch it or... something.

I'm so frustrated with how much my past has begun to affect how I feel about myself. I'm so hard on myself. Poor Scott is always saying, "I wish you weren't so hard on yourself love" or something akin to that. I can't seem to come up with a solution. I've begun working out 3 times a week and jogging/walking on the other days. That seems to be helping... a friend of mine calls it free therapy. I've been taking more time to pray. I should be doing that regardless but I forget to talk to my Maker because I find myself stepping in front of Him to take it all on. He doesn't like that much. It may just be that He's in the process of reeling me back in. I don't know.

I'm struggling and working to get through it. Maybe it's that I'm growing? Maybe it's just that I can't get out of this hole I've fallen in. Maybe it'll just take more time. I can't say. Whatever it is, I hops it starts working fast.