Sunday, June 21, 2009


This is the first day of summer.
This is the first time I have wished for fall since the beginning of the year.
This is the first big let down for Father's day. Ever.
This is the first time I have not been able to face it.
This is the first time I have not been able to take it head on and deal with it.
This is the first time in a long time I have wished for a partner.
This is the first time I have wished for someone to take up the slack.
This is the first time in a long time I have yearned for someone to hold me/things together when I cannot.
This is the firs time I have been forced to sit under it and be sad.
This is the first time I have not been able to curb my tears.
This is the first time a Gevalia coffee maker has failed us.
This is the first time I cannot have coffee when I want it.
I don't like that. At all.

Dad is upstairs watching the coffee perk in Junior (yes, the percolator has a name. get off me). I had a fine cup from him last night on the parkway, it is my hope the next one is just as good.

I have spent Father's day with my dad and my sister. My mother has not been apart of it, other than to cause pain... knowingly or unknowingly. It's too late now.

Have you ever been faced with something that you have no control over? Have you ever had to be the steadfast hold when there is no one else there? Have you ever been face with the challenge of trying to control something that is utterly uncontrollable? Have you every grappled with a loved one over their actions, over and over and over (all the while knowing it won't get better. It will merely end with a "I am sorry" and yet, you know it will happen again)?

That has been my day. And to top it all off the coffee maker died. Now, if you do not personally know me this may sound crazy to you. But for those of you who do know me, you understand the significance coffee has in my life and you can empathize with me. Back to those of you who do not know me, I love coffee (duh), it is a constant in my life. It offers me solace. Which I gladly take, especially in times like these. So there you have it. It's God's special gift to me, one which I often use and spend time with Him over. Ah, to pray over a steaming hot cup of coffee. I think God likes coffee. I think He drinks it with me while we sit in my room or on the mountain or at work and talk.

Yes, today I wish for someone to hold me and know me, and know that I cannot hold it together and that they must, at least for a moment, hold it together for me. It has been a long time since I've thought like this. Since I have no one I would trust with this task I to turn to my Maker. God has an odd sense of humor and odd timing. Perfect yes, but odd all the same. For now, I will turn to Him to hold it together for me and I will let Him hold me while I fall apart. I pray that tomorrow will be better, simply because I start working with all of my school age kids tomorrow. I hope that I can be genuinely joyful and that the joy comes from them. I hope that I can offer forgiveness when it's time. I hope that I can move forward in the relationship with my mom when the time comes. I hope that I can grieve well as someone once put it. Grieving well... what a concept. Perhaps I can? We'll see I suppose.

God ueses all things for good

1 comment:

ASUBttrfly said...

I am sorry to hear that times are rough for you right now. If you need to talk or need a bit of extra support call me. I'm around :)
Love ya! Rachel