Re: Wow

Do you ever think about what kind of story you're living? Like are you one of those people that other people have great tales about? The kind of tale that they look back on with a smile and a sigh like, "oh, i can't believe that happened... oh wait it was *insert name here* of course i can."? Or are you one of those people that are really nice and you're known for being really nice? Or are you an ass and that is what you're known for? Some kind of radical perhaps? A very conservative, shy fellow?

I'm reading Don Miller's new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - I totally recommend it. Don always makes me think about the state of my life, or the way I think about things, or just things in general... like Lord of the Rings. I'm also listening to a lot of Cat Stevens and Bon Iver. Those things combined with some free time gives you room to ponder.

Don (so far in the book) talks about his life and how boring it's been... at least for it to be made into a movie. Which leads him to talk about his Uncle who passed away. At the funeral he talks about how they all knew they were burying a good man, which is different from burying an average man - which I can totally identify and agree with. They celebrated his life, yes they were sad, but they knew he lived a life worth living and made an impact on other people worthy of celebration. He then tells a story about his uncle's life which got me to thinking.
At my funeral (now, in my 23 years) would I be someone that everyone would know was a good person? An average person? A jerk of a person?

Am I someone who's life would be worthy of celebrating because of what I had done? The honorable way I impacted people's lives? Or the stories I left behind...would they be worth talking about (like my dad - we roasted him for his 50th birthday. There were so many stories told we had to switch the video camera tape. That got me to thinking then too, am I like that?)?

I wonder if God and I will sit and talk about how crazy awesome my life was or if we'll just sit and look at each other while we sip coffee awkwardly. I wonder if we'll have anything to talk about when He asks me about it. I wonder what I'll say. Or how long we'll talk about it. Minutes, hours, days? I don't really know. I know what I hope that will be like, usually the way I hope things would go isn't how they actually turn out.

Don put's it perfectly in a sentence:
"You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience."

*

Welcome, Fall.
This is my absolute favorite time of year. Skirts and leggings. Time in the woods. Pumpkin spice creamer. Mulled cider candles. Crisp air. Knitting. New scarves. Boots. Sweaters. Warm hugs and smiles. Feeling good. Movie releases *cough Where the Wild Things Are cough*. Vibrant colors. Percolators holding amazing coffee. Reconnecting with God. Don Miller. Bon Iver. Cat Stevens. Camping. My my.

I've been on the parkway a few times in the last couple of weeks, it's my goal to be up there every week a couple of times. That way I don't miss anything - I want to be in the middle of God's artistry as often as possible this season. Fall makes everything magical in it's own right.

Life has been interesting for me since June when I last posted. I've hung out with a nice guy, been stalked from the parkway to my house by his crazy ex-girlfriend, have since stopped hanging out with the "nice guy", applied for a couple of jobs that are in my field, been inspired- no called- to move to Colorado in the relatively near future, begun to water color/draw, gotten a kitten named Dulce, jumped for a new hair style including bangs, begun DIY projects (who knew), and reconnected with some old friends.

I've enjoyed working with my new class of 4 year olds - I have an interesting blend of kids this year. My assistant is one of the most amazing people I've had the pleasure of meeting. She is, as I said tonight in a staff meeting, my other half. It's amazing when you can go through all of the struggles my job offers, from the lack of trust with leadership, to struggles with communication, to 4 year old family drama, to breakdowns and still manage to have inside jokes and be able to laugh things off. That is a rare gift.

I'm learning and relearning on a daily basis to trust God and to find the beautiful in every day. It's been hard over the last month or so especially, but He is seeing me though. I'm so grateful for such an amazing God.

This Fall I'm looking forward to completing a few new projects:
-Knitting my first scarf (after countless hours of practice I think I might be ready)
-Road trips to see friends in distant cities
-DIY 2010 planner (eeek!)
-Perfecting my tree/owl painting
-Jumping in every leaf pile available
-Stomping on any crunching looking leaf
-Swinging at the park

What are some of your fun plans this fall?

oh, summer camp.

I'm totally in charge of about...25 or so children on any given day at my job. Today was movie day! One thing you must know about me is, I totally dig adventure. I fell in love with driving the church's 15 passenger van last summer and totally got to drive it again today.
For the first time.
Oh my.
The love.

I shall take a picture tomorrow for you all to see just how hilarious I look while driving this thing. However, my kids and I favor classic rock. With the windows down. Really loud.

You can imagine how amazing we are rolling around in the van listening to "More Than a Feeling" jamming down the highway. That is how I spent a lot of my day. Apparently I am the "cool" teacher since I drive with the tunes cranked and the windows down.

I love my kids. They are amazing.

One boy today - who I had last summer - saw another little boy picking on me(they like to pick me up and/or tickle me). He got up and ran over yelling "Hey you! Stop it! Let Miss Shannon down now!" He proceeded to push the other boy away from me and, once he was satisfied with the distance, came over and put his arms around my waist and said, "No one messes with Miss Shannon but me!".

That is my life. And oh it is an amazing one at that.

Tomorrow is pool day. We shall see how that goes!

First

This is the first day of summer.
This is the first time I have wished for fall since the beginning of the year.
This is the first big let down for Father's day. Ever.
This is the first time I have not been able to face it.
This is the first time I have not been able to take it head on and deal with it.
This is the first time in a long time I have wished for a partner.
This is the first time I have wished for someone to take up the slack.
This is the first time in a long time I have yearned for someone to hold me/things together when I cannot.
This is the firs time I have been forced to sit under it and be sad.
This is the first time I have not been able to curb my tears.
This is the first time a Gevalia coffee maker has failed us.
This is the first time I cannot have coffee when I want it.
I don't like that. At all.

Dad is upstairs watching the coffee perk in Junior (yes, the percolator has a name. get off me). I had a fine cup from him last night on the parkway, it is my hope the next one is just as good.

I have spent Father's day with my dad and my sister. My mother has not been apart of it, other than to cause pain... knowingly or unknowingly. It's too late now.

Have you ever been faced with something that you have no control over? Have you ever had to be the steadfast hold when there is no one else there? Have you ever been face with the challenge of trying to control something that is utterly uncontrollable? Have you every grappled with a loved one over their actions, over and over and over (all the while knowing it won't get better. It will merely end with a "I am sorry" and yet, you know it will happen again)?

That has been my day. And to top it all off the coffee maker died. Now, if you do not personally know me this may sound crazy to you. But for those of you who do know me, you understand the significance coffee has in my life and you can empathize with me. Back to those of you who do not know me, I love coffee (duh), it is a constant in my life. It offers me solace. Which I gladly take, especially in times like these. So there you have it. It's God's special gift to me, one which I often use and spend time with Him over. Ah, to pray over a steaming hot cup of coffee. I think God likes coffee. I think He drinks it with me while we sit in my room or on the mountain or at work and talk.

Yes, today I wish for someone to hold me and know me, and know that I cannot hold it together and that they must, at least for a moment, hold it together for me. It has been a long time since I've thought like this. Since I have no one I would trust with this task I to turn to my Maker. God has an odd sense of humor and odd timing. Perfect yes, but odd all the same. For now, I will turn to Him to hold it together for me and I will let Him hold me while I fall apart. I pray that tomorrow will be better, simply because I start working with all of my school age kids tomorrow. I hope that I can be genuinely joyful and that the joy comes from them. I hope that I can offer forgiveness when it's time. I hope that I can move forward in the relationship with my mom when the time comes. I hope that I can grieve well as someone once put it. Grieving well... what a concept. Perhaps I can? We'll see I suppose.

God ueses all things for good.

Time to light the candle.

There comes a time when you have to get rid of baggage. As a good friend of mine put it, you have to clean out your house.

I've come (once again) to a point where the purging of useless/mindless/ridiculous things is going to be the healthiest choice.
God help me.

As I said earlier, I know that we go through things in an effort to grow, to be furthered as a person. However, I really wish sometimes (and only sometimes) that there was another way. There is the rub.

For the past month and a half I have been pounded. Over and over again. I would get hit with something ...ie: the break up and get hit by something else all over again. I get tired of trying to work through something only to be hit with something else, sometimes worse, and have to start all over.

Somehow I lost the joy in my life. I lost the sense of who I am. I lost the idea of where I was going. I lost a lot.

I think I might be gaining it back. It's very hard to hold on to that feeling when the fear surfaces... oh snap, what if something else comes to rob me of this?

God has been using this time, I can see that now, to mold me. He's been screaming TRUST ME! at the top of His very large lungs. There have been subtle things happening in my life that have alluded to this conclusion. He always provides. He always listens. Most of all He sustains me. He keeps me going when I feel like I can no longer go. More than that He pushes me further, spurs me on to become more. To seek more. To just be more.

Tonight I'm going to light a candle and I'm going to meditate on how my life has been going and how so many things got beyond my control. I'm going to take a step back from that and gain some Godly perspective (if He is willing to give it. Though I have a feeling He's ready to throw it at me) and let it go. It's certainly something to consider when you see that He calmed the storm and that He can clearly handle my small life and what matters in it.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory...


As I read on one of my favorite blogs- http://www.thelongbrake.com/blog/
-What I want to say is that I have no idea what healthy means. But I do know about healing.
-What I want to say is celebrate often and grieve well.
-What I want to say is let silence surround you like a blanket when words simply will not soothe.
-What I want to say is should is a terrible reason to do anything.
-What I want to say is: relax.
-What I want to say is love and be loved. If nothing else, love deeply.

Goodness me, it's May

Okay, let's start at the beginning:

Scott and I broke up. I won't go into the gory details, the bottom line is that we broke up. To be honest, I'm relieved that it happened. I certainly cared for him, I thought that things were vastly different than they were. Alas. I suppose we go through things like that in order to grow, I wish there was another way sometimes to be tried and tested.

I thought about going and taking down the posts that involve him, but I decided that it's part of my history and something that is shaping me so I think I'll leave them. At the very least it's a reminder of something to be leery of.

Another big thing is that Logan and I are officially friends again.

What?

Yeah, I know. I found out that there was a chance of him being deployed and God put it on my heart to send him a message saying that I hope he was safe and that I'd be praying for him. Turns out he's not being deployed and that opened up a door for us to find closure from serious wounds and brought us to our friendship.

I went riding with him yesterday on his motorcycle, it was really fun. It was also really nice that we could go and do that with no pressure and no drama. All I've been able to think is that life is certainly an interesting game of cards. Things that I never thought were possible have been happening. I've gotten closure from the most hurtful of experiences.

I will try to update once again this evening as I'll be with Whitford (holla back!) but for now I'm off to the church!

it's a small crime, and i've got no excuse.

Hello April. Let's be friends.


I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm over-exerting myself. I'm wearing thin. I'm getting sad.

Those are the types of things I've been recently thinking during my day. Subconsciously mostly... which is surprising. I've been dreaming dreams about things I'd rather not think about or re-live. I've been put in awkward positions which I haven't handle well due to my lack of tact with words. I've been hurt and had it mended but am still feeling the residual pain.

Today one of my kids got hit in the chest by another kid. It was a complete accident and the boy that did the hitting felt awful and tried to make it better for the girl. She kept asking me to call her mom saying that her chest hurt. I'm so drained and all I could think was, "yeah mine too." My assistant asked her if she was sure that it wasn't just her feelings that were hurt and that was why she was in pain. She said, "yes, my feelings are hurt. I think that's why I'm hurting right here." She pointed to the middle of her chest. Not over her heart, but the middle. Right where I hurt. It made me think about how things affect even the smallest of us. She was hurting because she got hurt, but more so because her feelings were hurt. Don't we all get that way sometimes?

The question is, what do we do with that pain?

As for me, I'm still looking for a place to put it or dispose of it or torch it or... something.

I'm so frustrated with how much my past has begun to affect how I feel about myself. I'm so hard on myself. Poor Scott is always saying, "I wish you weren't so hard on yourself love" or something akin to that. I can't seem to come up with a solution. I've begun working out 3 times a week and jogging/walking on the other days. That seems to be helping... a friend of mine calls it free therapy. I've been taking more time to pray. I should be doing that regardless but I forget to talk to my Maker because I find myself stepping in front of Him to take it all on. He doesn't like that much. It may just be that He's in the process of reeling me back in. I don't know.

I'm struggling and working to get through it. Maybe it's that I'm growing? Maybe it's just that I can't get out of this hole I've fallen in. Maybe it'll just take more time. I can't say. Whatever it is, I hops it starts working fast.

it's about time i wrote something down.

It's been a while, let's catch up.

Since my last post a lot has been happening. A lot personally and professionally.

I started teaching the 4 & 5 year old class and I'm excited to say that I really enjoy it. It was soooo much more of a challenge than I expected what with lesson plans, tantrums, and whatnot. But, I must say the reward of it all is far outweighs the battles. I've begun teaching them what little Spanish I know and it's so amazing for me when I ask what a color is en espanol and someone blurts out "Azul", "Rojo", "Verde"! I clearly don't have kids yet but it's a privilege to work with these sweet little ones for the short time that I have them.

Today I realized how much they teach me sometimes! I mean yes, I am just like them in many ways except for bills and the fact that I'm a little bit taller. They show me things on a daily basis that just blow me away -- today I put dominoes, colored bears, and letter magnets on our tables. The first thing they did was jump right in and they began to make shapes and patterns. Then they got all crazy with the dominoes, I showed them how to make a long line and push them over, which they loved. I got busy with the girls making patterns and all of the sudden I looked down and the boys had dominoes lined up in swirly patterns everywhere! They took it so much further than I expected, we had the best time setting them up and knocking them down.

We've also begun to play musical chairs, they love it. I've noticed that when one of them get "out" rather than get sad and act like a bad sport they shrug it off and wait until the next game. It's so great to see that, it reminds me of how we should be in life. To not sweat the small things. Chalk it all up to a learning experience and move on.

I've been with Scott for about 3 months, the best 3 months actually. I'm slowly working through a lot of my old issues and the brick wall of Jericho is finally (even if very slowly) coming down. It's very encouraging to have someone in my life who loves me fully - he doesn't get frustrated with my inability to express how I feel sometimes, rather he sits with me quietly and patiently. He also brings me joy - no matter the situation. If I'm sad he brings me daisies, if I'm frustrated he lets me vent, if I'm happy he celebrates with me, if I'm quiet he sits with me. I think I understand now what it means to fully be loved and cherished by someone. Yes, I know, I'm 22 and this is only a 3 month old relationship. I am very well aware of how absurd this may sound to some of my more jaded friends, however, I am so so very happy. Much more than I ever anticipated being with anyone. All I can do is thank God for finally sending someone worth while my way and pray it leads me where He wants me to be.

We had the most amazing snow... like a week ago. Of course, now it's in the 70's. Whatever, life is random like that sometimes. Anyways - I got out with my family and played, it was the best time ever! We made snow angels, a snow man named Jack, Nathan started a snowball fight, we went sledding. I mean it was basically amazing, I'm going to need at least one more great snow before the end of the season... come on March! Show me the lion in ya!

I'm pretty much really excited about spring and St. Patrick's day. The kids and I have been talking about spring and all the fun things we can do when it comes - we're flying kites tomorrow. I mean how cool is that?! We're also talking about what kind of green food we want on St. Patrick's day. Ha! I've gotten them used to bagpipes and folk dance so we can rock the house down when the day comes! I honestly can't wait, it'll be amazing.

This is all I have time for now so I'll leave you with some pictures:

oh how life goes on.

I have found that as I spend more time with my friend Zac the more I like "popular" music. Liiiike "Let it Rock" & "Miss Independent".

I mean... wtf?

For real ya'll, it cracks me up because I am all about some metal. I don't like rap or much R&B but here I am listening to this mess and enjoying it. Zac takes great pride in the fact that he alone can get me to listen to this stuff.

Whatev, Zac. Whatev.

I babysat two of my favorite kids last night. Before the parents left I was talking with their mom and she was telling me of some things happening in their lives... very similar to what is going on with my folks. It makes me feel better to know that the things going on at my house aren't the only place they're happening.

My brother has decided to dred his hair, and he looks hilarious right now. Taylor came over tonight and got it all set up and now he looks like Medusa. Naturally I'm right there to give him a hard time about the whole thing. I think he'll look pretty kick-a with his new look. He's pretty cool like that.

I have taken a job at Long's teaching the 4 year old class. I'm really nervous and really excited about the whole thing. I think it'll be a blast, that age group is so much fun. I also have a lot of support, not only here at home, but also at the church. It's so nice to hear people encourage me and say "I'm here for whatever you need!". I need that in my life. I'm going on Monday to observe a bit and see which kids can handle what and how the general atmosphere is in the room. I'm really excited to take on this challenge!

I think my grandfather may be dying too. My mom is heading to FL this week to see how he is doing. I'll keep you updated, just keep us in your prayers.

That's all I can muster tonight.
Hasta Luego!