check my reflection, I ain't feelin' what I see...

[I was made to love You, I was made to find You, I was made just for you, made to adore You]


I want so badly to upload some pictures for you. It's snowy outside and gorgeous. We'll see how it goes.

I've been struggling of late. I've had this big weight on my shoulders (I'm listening to Tobymac right now and it's hard to be serious like I should be when writing this... but I love his music it's uplifting). It's been something that I felt like God laid on me to do and then when the time came to do it, I felt like He had changed his mind. I've been so conflicted about the whole thing that I haven't prayed about it, just to avoid further confusion.

I loathe that feeling. When you feel as though God had told you to do something and when it finally comes time you no longer feel like that was exactly what He had intended. Ugh.

Tonight has been a not good night. I've had all kinds of distractions, including Harry Potter and for some reason I'm still in the mire. It's weird for me to be stuck in thought over something that seems so simple and something that I have in fact been able to separate myself from. There's the rub; thought and not prayer. I suppose the best course of action would be to dive into prayer about this and just sit under it. Sometimes, for me especially, it's so hard to just be sad over something. I'm learning that being sad, and sitting under it is okay sometimes. Not for a long time of course, let's not get depressed, but for a few days to just deal and get over it is productive. I'm so scared of sadness, I work so much better with anger. I've always had a temper and it seems that anger and I can deal with each other where sadness and I have never come to understand each other.

I don't know guys. Pray for me.


Anyways -- let's get to something cool--
I have been hanging a lot with Heather, nothing new there, but since it snowed we took a lot of pictures with the horses and in the the barn. We also went sledding last night in the snow with my brother Michael. It was so great. He had to save us, in order to live another day. My yard is ridiculous, it's a big hill that levels out a little and then goes off a bit of a cliff. So we're sledding, naturally in the direction of said cliff. We're young and seemingly invincible, so the mentality was: HECK YES!

We almost died. Which fueled our bravery. I ended up going down on my butt, finding that I could go faster that way courtesy of my snow pants. The other two were in sleds... it was pretty much amazing.

So -- the barn, let's see if these things will upload.
Sigh. Way to be awesome blogger. Way to be awesome.

Okay, I'll try uploading tomorrow. For now I leave you with this:

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

Joyce Kilmer