check my reflection, I ain't feelin' what I see...

[I was made to love You, I was made to find You, I was made just for you, made to adore You]


I want so badly to upload some pictures for you. It's snowy outside and gorgeous. We'll see how it goes.

I've been struggling of late. I've had this big weight on my shoulders (I'm listening to Tobymac right now and it's hard to be serious like I should be when writing this... but I love his music it's uplifting). It's been something that I felt like God laid on me to do and then when the time came to do it, I felt like He had changed his mind. I've been so conflicted about the whole thing that I haven't prayed about it, just to avoid further confusion.

I loathe that feeling. When you feel as though God had told you to do something and when it finally comes time you no longer feel like that was exactly what He had intended. Ugh.

Tonight has been a not good night. I've had all kinds of distractions, including Harry Potter and for some reason I'm still in the mire. It's weird for me to be stuck in thought over something that seems so simple and something that I have in fact been able to separate myself from. There's the rub; thought and not prayer. I suppose the best course of action would be to dive into prayer about this and just sit under it. Sometimes, for me especially, it's so hard to just be sad over something. I'm learning that being sad, and sitting under it is okay sometimes. Not for a long time of course, let's not get depressed, but for a few days to just deal and get over it is productive. I'm so scared of sadness, I work so much better with anger. I've always had a temper and it seems that anger and I can deal with each other where sadness and I have never come to understand each other.

I don't know guys. Pray for me.


Anyways -- let's get to something cool--
I have been hanging a lot with Heather, nothing new there, but since it snowed we took a lot of pictures with the horses and in the the barn. We also went sledding last night in the snow with my brother Michael. It was so great. He had to save us, in order to live another day. My yard is ridiculous, it's a big hill that levels out a little and then goes off a bit of a cliff. So we're sledding, naturally in the direction of said cliff. We're young and seemingly invincible, so the mentality was: HECK YES!

We almost died. Which fueled our bravery. I ended up going down on my butt, finding that I could go faster that way courtesy of my snow pants. The other two were in sleds... it was pretty much amazing.

So -- the barn, let's see if these things will upload.
Sigh. Way to be awesome blogger. Way to be awesome.

Okay, I'll try uploading tomorrow. For now I leave you with this:

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

Joyce Kilmer

pictures!

Okay, so I was bad on the timing of actually posting these, but as I said, here they are!
NOTE: Taken on a camera phone. Deal.



This is Trouble. He's too cute.
This is Bo. He's my favorite.
The gorgeous Tucker.
Bo & Trouble, who share a stall because they're cool, eating away.
Tucker eating.


Heather and I have been spending a lot of time down at the barn taking care of these buggers. Today we spent forever shoveling poop and raking the saw dust -- I blew my nose after I got home, and it was black. No seriously. I love the work though, it's hard and my arms are sore, but it's good honest work. It's just something that I have found so valuable. Plus, I get to help out my friend and bond with these magnificent animals.

Nothing really substantial in this post, class starts tomorrow and I'm already tired and still have laundry to finish before bed. I'm off.

[Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day
saying, "I will try again tomorrow."]

"close my eyes, and hold my heart...

...cover me and make me something, change this something normal into something beautiful. "

Ah, you guys, life has taken some interesting turns here in the last week or so. God and I had a really great talk a few days ago in which He said somethings that I needed to hear. He amazes me when He does that. Sometimes we fly blind and have to trust and just go with it, and sometimes He is so blatant that we can't ignore Him anymore. This was one of those times for me. He told me that it's time for me to deal with a lot of things in my life that keep me from Him and from following Him. I'm so famous for always wanting to be in control, and because of this I get it in my head that I can handle everything, and in doing so I step in front of God and go it alone. He's reeled me back in, and none to late. (His timing, after all, is perfect)

There is redemption in most things. This one particular thing that I must face at this time is going to be excruciating. I know He is with me, and as the scripture puts it: what do I have to fear? The answer is of course, nothing. He has it all in control and so often I have to be reminded of that. I get overwhelmed by thoughts and doubts. If you guys want to take a second in your prayers and add one for me -- that would be awesome. I'm going to need it.

I have had to repeat my own theory of hope to myself several times. I also must believe there is redemption in this situation. I've already been blessed enough to see one aspect in which someone else can benefit from this (thank you Jesus).

Now, I have been going with my friend Heather to feed her horses. She has four, three boys and one girl. The girl is not very nice. But, the biggest and I believe she said oldest is Bo. He came right up to me the first time I was out there and loved on me. It was the coolest thing in the world, he's HUGE! I'm not kidding, this horse is so humongous he makes me nervous, well he used to. I've been going and helping a little but staying out of the way for most of it. It's so cool to be exposed to this part of country living. I mean I've never even really ridden a horse, and it's something I know I'd really enjoy. I've been inspired. There is such beauty in these gentle creatures, for something that is so powerful and so regal to be so loving is astounding to me. So often in life we see people walk around with an attitude of being powerful, and we see it reflected in their actions and their words. To be around an animal that could mow me down and not think twice about it, come to me and nuzzle me is so refreshing. It inspires me and it also renews something in my spirit.

Tomorrow there will be ample pictures of these sweet horsies.

For now though it is late, and I must sleep.



"Maybe we can stay, until the last drop of water flows under the bridge."
~Jars of Clay

happy new year! (well, one day too late)

Hello 2008, let's be friends.

Oh man, I have yet to make my list. I have a new Moleskine, and I have every intention of putting the list in there first. However, I want to post it here also.

Some things I have been thinking of include:

• Tone up (not lose weight, I know I don't need to do that).
• Take time to pray, there is always time to spend with Him. He deserves it after all.
• Be honest with God. Brutally honest, He knows it all anyways.
• Be still and listen.
  
• Take more photos, even when there is nothing inspiring around.
• Spend more time in the woods. That is where I feel more in tune, why have I stayed away?
• Don't let time (or lack there of) control my life and what I do.
• Have the courage to follow what He wants.
  

It's coming along quite nicely if I say so myself.

Lately I have been getting more private. I go through phases where I am all about being out and hanging with friends and going places and being a nerd, and then I have times where I retreat back into myself. I become less social, unless it involves a coffee shop outing, I become more private in the goings on of my life. Normally the people that mean a lot to me are informed of what I do and who I see and whatnot. Lately, unless you live with me or YOU have contacted me directly, you don't see or hear from me.

I can't really explain the reason for my behavior pattern in this regard. I use this time (usually) to grow and to create. I create all the time, but in times like this I'm much more reflective and analytical about what I create, whether it is a photograph, a cup of coffee (yes.), or a sketch. It also forces me to deal with issues I'm avoiding. It's so painful, but so rewarding -- most of the time. I'm not going into detail on here as to what is ailing me right now. That is for my dairy, me and God. But, if you should feel compelled to pray for me, that would be great.

I think I'm going to stop here for the night. I've been talking to my friend Brent in the midst of writing this and am now drained.

One final thing I'll leave with you is:
Redemption Songs
Jars of Clay

listen and enjoy.

tis the season...

Oh my dear internet friends and intimate friends alike- Merry Christmas to all of you.

I'm afraid I have not much time for this post, but I felt the need to take a moment and send seasons blessings to all of you!

I got a jar from my mom that is called the "Give Thanks Jar". It was made by a local artisan, I love that, and she picked it up at the craft fair some months ago. I was really struck by this gift, first it's gorgeous, ceramic painted blue and green with the words "O Give Thanks" carved into it, but secondly, because the point of it is to write down things you are thankful for and store them in the jar. I was trying to count my blessings last night when I was going to to sleep and praying and I realized there are too many to count. God has blessed me in such an abundant way, with my family, my friends, and the life that I live. It allowed me to see how selfish I have been in recent months, and how my behavior reflects little, if none, of His glory. This is one thing that He has brought to my attention.

I just read my friend Marlee's blog post about family and blessings and faith through fear, it touched me and brought tears to my eyes. She words what I am trying to say here beautifully in the last few paragraphs. I encourage you to go read her post and do as she advises. She's under my links as Marlee I believe.

Again, Merry Christmas to all of you and I hope you find yourselves as blessed as I have!


P.S.
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" is my favorite.

hope. always.

I've been learning so much over the last few days.

I've been listening and watching a lot more than I normally do. I have realized that I should continue with this pattern of behavior, you never know what you'll learn.

A very very very (etc) dear friend of mine has a really big problem with drugs. I've seen him at his lowest. I have seen him at his highest. I have been with him through most everything. We have grown up together.

What a lovely picture I just painted for you. Now, let me tell you the story:
When he is up to no good we don't talk. Mostly because I am someone who will tell you what I think. Always. I will tell him exactly what I think about his behavior, especially when it is harmful, to himself, or others.

The situation came to a head last week. We have been dealing. But I knew he wouldn't want to call me because he wouldn't want to hear what I had to say. I've really been struggling with my feelings towards him. Was I mad? Was I just sad? Was I confused? How do you feel about someone you care deeply for that just cuts you off?

I decided that through this whole ordeal he would get enough anger and disappointment from his family. I also turned to God for a chat about it. I couldn't help but think of the organization called To Write Love on Her Arms. Their philosophy is "love is the movement" -- which is also what I have named this blog. Little did I know how applicable that was to my life. TWLOHA is all about love. They are a group dedicated to helping drug addicts, self mutilation prevention, and suicide prevention. I have read many great testimonies from what they have done. I decided that their way was the best way to approach my friend.

I called him. I left him a message saying simply: "I'm not mad at you. I love you. I am angry at what you are doing. I am angry that you have done it. But, I am not angry with you. I love you, I am here for you. Please Please call me."

He called. He is hurting. He is broken.
I am his church right now.

I had lost hope with my friend. Until I realized I was close to the only hope he had left. I have learned through this that there is always hope. Always. We should never lose that.


Another situation with one of my best friends in the world is beyond anything I have ever dealt with. For depression to strike this person in such an acute way is mind blowing to me. She got to the point where she didn't know if she had faith anymore in anything, including God. She doubted everything, "What if?" questions went round and round in her mind. When I spoke with her I recited my philosophy about hope. We must always hold on to it. It is so important. Today she is getting better. When she comes home for break we plan to spend lots of time together. She is so broken right now, and she loses hope sometimes. I'm so thankful that I can be here for her, I'm so glad that God is teaching me through this and that I can bring light to her darkness through Him.

That thought is beyond me.
It gives me hope.


"Hope" is the thing with feathers--
That perches in the soul--
And sings the tune without the words--
And never stops--at all
~Emily Dickinson

into the mist

Today was interesting.

I got to the church and the first person that I saw was Marlee, which is always a welcome sight. I went over to my nursery which is usually pretty hectic and I found out that I was the only person to be in there for the morning... ick. I mean I hang out with kids all morning. Seriously. But when there are more than 5 of the rug rats running around things get a little crazy when you're by yourself. As I'm thinking this and just starting to get a little frazzled I heard a familiar voice. Dorothy was there to drop off Landry. Now let me tell you something about this little girl, I have known her since she was months old, I have been babysitting her since she was 13 months, she is my angel. Landry is like the sweet kid that makes the whole day and all of the other kids that are horrible and loud and obnoxious worth it. Beyond that, one of my favorite moms Melanie, was the volunteer for my room.

I got a second this morning while Landry was sitting in my lap when I got to look around the room. I saw some of the greatest people in my life running and playing, I saw Melanie playing and reading books to the little ones and the joy on her face was radiant. I saw my precious girl watching our favorite veggie tales on tv, holding her blanket and drinking her favorite pink milk. In that moment I saw God.

I saw what he undoubtedly wanted me to get out of this morning, to see the glorious simplicity in life and the untold joy to be had in the moment.

Now to segway into something completely different. Marlee and I got to hang out, that in itself was awesome not to mention a miracle, and we ended up in walmart and at the lake. The lake experience I will now share with you.


This was literally in the mist of a coming storm. It was really gorgeous out there this evening. Again another way I see God.

Alas, it is rather late, and I am tired and since break is now over it will be extraordinarily hard for me to pull myself out of bed. Until next time!