amore

So, there is this boy...
♥

so this is a bit loaded

Today I was reading another blog I like to check in on and I went to the website that she recommended. As I was browsing through some of the art I came upon this one:



It struck me for sure. This wasn't easy to see and take in, however, I agree with what this picture is saying. To me, this is what Christianity has widely become. Maybe not everywhere, but I feel like the church has degenerated into what this picture represents.

That makes me sad.

I hope that as someone that loves Jesus I can do my part, however big or small that part may be, to rectify the damage the church has done. It seems to me that people like Jesus. What they don't like is, well to put it bluntly, Christians. It's my hope that we as individuals can turn that outlook around simply by trying to be more like Jesus.

my favorite

Happy Thanksgiving my friends. This is indeed my favorite holiday! I have so much to be thankful for and I plan on celebrating that to it's height today! I hope your celebration is as deep, full, and appreciated as mine!

:]

okay, so

I really suck at life since I haven't been updating on a daily basis with thankful things. However! I do have a rather large list, compiled of things that have happened over the week.

Let's see here...
-Having a day off
-Spending that day off with my brother
-Spending that day off in Panacea
-Having lunch with Kate and Whit at Panacea
-Playing in the leaves
-Having a phone date with a very sweet friend
-Having coffee with a different sweet friend
-Bonding with my family
-Rain
-Wearing my new North Face
-Hemp
-Time with my Afterschoolers
-Seeing Whit on a daily basis
-Hanging with Landry and J tonight
-My plans for this weekend
-Finding my old routine
-Being thankful for the old routine
-Praying
-Coldplay
-New ringtones
-New friends
-Love
-etc...

Now then, that surely makes up for the lack of updating. Let's see if I can actually keep up with it as we count down to Thanksgiving!

Woot.

inspiration.

Through my friend, Rachel, I read that she read (the cycle continues) somewhere a note encouraging one to post things daily that one is thankful for.

Since I'm a sucker for Thanksgiving and random things like that I'm delighted to share that I too will be taking part.

Welcome, my friends, so the first of several installments to the thankful fest.

For today I have been thankful for:
-Clean laundry
-Dad coming home early from hunting
-Seeing my brother
-My mom
-Babysitting Whit last night and having a good convo with Kate
-Learning a piece of information that I didn't know what to do with, but after some council from dear ones am on my way to understanding and accepting.

There is a bit of my list. I'm sure tomorrow's list will be filled with far more.

Ah, the first snow of the season!

I met up with a friend today for coffee at Panacea. I love Panacea because of not just the coffee, but because of the different company you can keep while you're there. I spend an awful lot of time there since I'm working mainly in the afternoons and I have my mornings pretty much free. This friend of mine and I go back about a year and a half. We've been pretty close and then we had a bit of a rough patch and she moved away. She's back now and I'm so thankful for that, I think she needed to come back and this may be selfish, but I needed her to come back. It was very enlightening to spend some time with her today over coffee on the big ugly orange couch from the 70's in my haven of comfort. I had forgotten how much she surprised me with her insight and her knowledge of people. Her experience in life far outweighs my own even though she is just a couple of years older than I am.

Yesterday at the church I was hearing tales of the possibility of snow. All I could think was: this early in the season? No way.

Ha. I was wrong.

The kids had a two hour delay, which was nice, I got to see my brother some this morning before we both went on with our days. I love spending time with him. I feel like because I'm looking for a real job our time is limited together. That might be silly but there it is. I digress, I spent some time with the first snow of the season (despite my coughing from the cold of satan). I took some pictures and just enjoyed the general cold splendor. I love the fall color when it's covered in a nice layer of snow. The white offsets things wonderfully.

I think snow might be my favorite. It's not necessarily a rarity in the mountains, but a lot of times we get excited about it and it doesn't come. We had a nice half an inch at my house that I played in. I love how quiet things are when it's snowing, it's not like rain, bouncing around and letting you know it's there. Snow is much less unassuming that way. It just blankets everything in the wonderful white layer of goodness. It was nice to get out there alone with my camera to spend some time with God while in the midst of this early season blessing. He can speak really well to me through little things like that.

I've also been spending a lot of time with James Taylor. I had forgotten about my old CD of his "greatest hits". It's been wonderful to settle down with a good book, coffee, and sweet baby James.

One last thing: go to wisdombook.org and watch the video. Let it inspire you like it inspired me.

in love with autumn...

Today I woke up (I suppose really it hasn't been that long ago) and the sun was trying so hard to break through the fog and bring in the day. This is one thing I love about autumn... other than calling it autumn! Yesterday Mom and I were at the grocery and I saw the international delight creamers, pumpkin pie spice is out! Ahhh! I enjoyed a bit of that in my coffee this morning.

How delightful.

I've been babysitting again. Which means I've been taking pictures again. I love the Birthright family. They make my heart smile. I've been with them for some time now -- it's always such a pleasure to watch a child you love grow up over the years. I sound like I'm a grandmother... but whatever.

There is some of our craziness!

I'm really enjoying the weather! Autumn is my very favorite season! I'm planning on a parkway trip very soon that way I can get some great pictures of the leaves. It's so nice to live in an area that is so perfect in fall!

I'm off, I have the urge to spend some time in the Psalms today. Woohoo!

madness.

I need to begin thinking of better headlines for my blogs. This one word thing is dorky.

This last week has been insane. No, really. Insane.

I have learned a lot. See, I'm the good kid. I'm the one that always does a good job, never gets in trouble, always gets good feedback, blah blah blah. I'm the goody goody if you want to say it that way.

When I find out that there have been parent complaints due to me and my teaching style I flipped out!

What? Me? I've done something wrong? I do my best! I really do! I love all of those kids equally! What in the world could I have done to offend? AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *pulls hair out*

So, my boss, knowing me from long ago knows that I am liable to flip out some. Okay, flip out a lot. Especially over something that I pour everything I have into. I mean come on, I have pictures of these kids on my phone, on my computer, in this blog. I wake up thinking of them and wondering if the one that was not feeling well yesterday is alright today. I miss them over the weekend. I like to draw with them, I play tag with them, I teach them how to braid hemp.

See? These kids are my life.

Back to my boss, she and I spent some time talking about how things like this can be frustrating and how you can't please everyone all of the time. We talked about somethings that I can do in the classroom to help with the issues we've been dealing with. It's been an amazing turn around. The kids have responded beautifully to it. I've written a letter to their parent's giving them an outline of life in my class.

I'm so grateful to have a boss that understands not only how I am, but how to work with me and help me figure out a way to fix it. AND on top of all of that be patient and compassionate.

Wow. Thanks God. And, Amanda! :] You two kids rock!

Speaking of God. He had a big hand in all of this. He allowed me to step outside of myself and hear things that weren't pleasant to hear and he allowed me to absorb it and, with help, find a way to fix it.

It's been very humbling. I'm not glad that some of the parents or kids were unhappy (duh), but I am glad that I was able to learn from a work experience that I'd never encountered. I'm also glad I had the support of my family, co-workers, my boss, my friends, and especially my kids.

Since hearing the negative, I've heard some positives from the mouths of the parents themselves. Today one parent couldn't get their kid to leave with them. They looked at me and said, "as frustrating as it is to get her to come here, I'm so glad she likes it here". In another case I was saying goodbye to the last two siblings to leave on Monday and as I walked by I said "okay, guys! Have a great evening! See you tomorrow!" They kids yelled out, "We love you Miss Shannon!" and the parent said, "We're sure looking forward to it!".

Holy smokes.

I've learned a lot. It's truly amazing what sort of change a few simple days can bring and what God can do with all of it.

I stand in awe.

fresh

So, it has been a long time since my last post - I'm here to fix that.

Since my last entry I have:
-gotten over someone
-stopped working on sundays
-found a new intrest
-gotten two new journals
-found a polaroid camera
-taken lots of polaroids
-settled some priorities
-enjoyed the crap out of my life

For the first on the list:
I was involved in a horribly unhealthy "relationship" that had lasted an absurd amount of time. There had been a couple of months with almost zero contact and God said, "Hey, I miss you. I think you're neat. Come talk to me. Oh, and by the way, you are absolutely done with this idiot boy." I said, "Thanks for the heads up. No problem. I think you're neat too."

Done? Wow.

Enter the facebook message (oh yes, facebook). I basically said I was finished and I didn't think we had to never talk or anything like that, but that we'd never be what we were. ever. again. never. (etc) and I told him that I had learned to protect my heart and that he would have to earn the right back to see me. It took a lot for me to write that to him. The boy that I always made allowances for, the one I thought really loved me, really would fight for me, and wanted to be with me. Somehow I had believed all of those things. So when I wrote that my hands were shaking and I had to ask God if this was really thing right thing to say. He said, "Why, yes it is". Okay God, whatever You say.
So, after everything that I had believed about this relationship, after everything I had put into it, after all the tears, broken hearts, and b.s. along the way this is what he said back to me:
"I love you more than you know (obviously), but I'm not going to try and earn a chance to see you. That's bullshit".

Really? Awesome.

That right there was the defining moment our relationship. Contradiction in terms. I love you but I'm not willing to fight for you.

Cool. That works.

So girls: stay away from crap like that. That is the moral of the story.

I'm doing quite well. I've started talking to another guy who I've known since college (that feels weird to say, oh wait, I'm not in college anymore. right.), he's nice and he likes the woods and he knows how to cook. Woohoo! So we'll see. Moving very very slow. That works just fine for me.

Also, I told my boss that I was no longer going to work on Sundays. As God told me that I was done with the idiot boy, He also said, "Oh, I forgot, you're no longer going to work on Sundays. You're going to spend that time with Me."

Sure thing God.

I'm going to be going to The Vine basically every Sunday. I'm pretty thrilled about that. Fellowship! Yes!

Norah Jones is extremely fun to listen to when you're cooking. Somehow when it's ready it tastes better. This is true of speghetti at least. Ha! It's quite nice to listen to some really great mellow music and cook at the same time. On a pink Zune of course.

Oh yes, my Zune is pink.

whew

Since my last post things have gotten considerably better!

I've been working through a lot of the things that were holding me back and not doing me any good. I feel like God and I have made some seriously great progress, and while I might not be 100% yet I'm close.

Enter: relief, gratitude, excitement, entertainment, and love.

In the last few weeks I have learned that:
I have amazing, supportive, steadfast friends
I have an amazing job and the kids are wonderful
Doubting my faith makes me stronger
Polaroid pictures are the greatest things ever
New journals inspire me
Wearing Danskos makes me smile
Because of Danskos I have new cute socks
Spending time with Whitford makes me ecstatic
The rain is inspiring and balm to me
Seeing my brother in the evenings makes my heart happy
Having my sister be in the after school program with me is oddly refreshing
...and stopping to watch the geese makes me laugh.

I've been working mostly in the evenings which is nice, I have my days free to myself. That has proven quite useful in a myriad of ways.

Mom and I are going to start finishing up my resume and then sending it out, posting it on the internet, etc. Time to start that journey. I'll keep you updated!

For now, it's time for some coffee before I head to the church.

Ciao.

sheesh.

I have realized in the last 6 hours that I am especially heartbroken.

I had a fantastic morning with my church kids (note: they are different from my after school kids), even though I was dreading being there today. I was listening to Tool in the car when I parked this morning, and as I looked down toward the door (behind which is sometimes heaven, sometimes hell) I thought, "wow... no amount of Tool can make me want to be here today". I finally gave it up after a rousing shouting of Jambi and went inside to start for the morning when I was asked to do Children's Church. Now I have never ever done children's church, but hey who's up for new things? Me! I had the best time. Afterwards I ended up in my room with my sweet Landry and we played the morning away.

It was only on the drive home that I came to pieces in the car. Can I just tell you friends? Driving is therapy at times and then other times it's like a prison. Sometimes you can drive away from what is bothering you and that makes it better. This was not one of those times, this was a time where you realize that no amount of driving can make it better because there is nothing to get away from... it's all inside of you.

Terrible.

I came home and proceeded to eat comfort spaghetti and I slept for over and hour while listening to Gilmore Girls. Good news: I'm no longer bawling. Bad news: I now must deal with this constant hurt. There's the rub. I will not go into detail as to what has broken my heart because it does no good to spill your guts on the internet, but I will ask for you to be in prayer.

On a side note, I found a daisy during my daily travels last week and it's doing very well on my window.

That is basically all, except of course that my birthday is on Thursday. I will be 22. It'll be neat and hopefully by then I will be feeling more like myself.

A New Chapter

I need to start this off with a story that made me smack my forehead:
I was sitting in the first row of chairs at the graduation rehearsal minding my own business when this really bleach blond girl came to sit by me.
Okay fine, she looks nice enough.
So she strikes up idle conversation.
Sure, go along with it, whatever.
She looks at me and says out of no where "Oh my goodness! Is that your natural hair color?!"
Oh my lord. Are you serious?! "Yes, yes this is my natural hair color..."
"Well it is just gorgeous! I'll have to see if I can get mine that way"
*awkwardly* "Gee.... thanks." Omg. Kill me.

[I need an alter ego]

You have to wonder sometimes where society is going! I mean yes, I have fallen victim to thinking that I have to have a flat stomach and no love handles and it's something I grapple with on an hourly basis and then have to remind myself that I'm perfect how God made me. But please give me my natural hair color! I beseech you!

Moving on:

I am officially a graduate of Western Carolina University! Woohoo! This is all very exciting that's for sure. I don't know what to do with all of this crazy new free time! I had a lot of stuff going on when I had my two online classes. Work and studying/reading/writing papers/making power points etc., made for zero free play time. Now all I have to do is work, which I haven't done all weekend. It's been incredibly liberating to be able to watch a movie with my family and not think about the work I should be doing! Of course, I do think I will go back for my masters, but I'd like to make sure I really do love my field before I do that. You don't play around with a masters. Man, this is crazy. I'm no longer a student but am a real contributer to society! Woot! We'll see how this goes. Now the job hunt ensues. Be in prayer friends as I have NO idea where or what I will be doing.

This picture below is me after the ceremony, however, I felt just like this the entire time I was at WCU, the time leading up to walking especially:

This is the classic parents flanking the graduate shot:


We were all pretty jazzed. And I got flowers! I love getting flowers, it's one of my favorite things!



Now, I was looking at my room here at home thinking about how things will be changing sooner than I realize and how crazy life will get. As I was looking and thinking I saw my bed and thought, "man that looks nice". It's so lovely to see something that is a staple in your life and realize how inviting it is!




For serious, how comfy does that look? And those are the flowers that I got for graduation :]
And yes, that is Eclipse laying on my bed, yes I am a Twilight Fan. And yes I did pre-order Breaking Dawn online. Shut up.

That is me. Enjoying the crap out of my bed.

That's all I have time for now. I have cross stitching and reading to do with my new found freedom!

:]

mhmm.

I got an A in Chem. Yes everyone, Shannon Mimms got an A in Chem. Who saw that coming? Not I.

Now to tackle the remaining 2 weeks of Native American Religion and I will hopefully have a 4.0 for my last semester at WCU. Holla holla to being an almost grad.

So my friend is getting married. It's not the best thing for her at all. At all. But she is going to do it and it's been such a struggle for me. I think I care too much. But whatever. So we were at work one night and I was working on announcements for graduation and out of no where this burst of love and compassion overwhelmed me and I said I'll do whatever you need for the wedding. I proceeded to ramble off a list of possible things I could help with including murder, baking, and flower arranging. She looked at me and said that's good because I want you to be a bridesmaid.

....what?

So I said okay, if that's what you want me to do I'll do it.

I need a little animated character of myself that acts out what I'm really thinking or feeling. Like Lizzie McGuire from back in the day. I was totally shocked when she asked me to do that. Of course on reflection I saw that she had wanted to and because I'm so bull headed and hateful sometimes she was afraid to ask me. As I said, I care far to much.

So behold: Shannon the anti-marriage, reformed bridesmaid.

I got a new camera. It's a Canon PowerShot and I really love it. It has the cool flippy screen and whatnot. Super fun. I've been taking pictures like no one's business!

I babysat two of the coolest kids ever on Friday night. Caleb and Megan. They live way the crap out in White Oak and I saw some elk while Megan and I were on the trampoline speaking in British accents. It was pretty much amazing. I love that I get paid to play on the Will Fit, trampoline and swings with two kids that I love. It's a good life. Unfortunately I've been working upwards of 50 hours a week with my children at Long's. Some days it's amazing and I wouldn't' have it any other way. Other times I want to commit some terrible crime. All in all it's been a rewarding summer so far.

All the fam comes down from IN and other various places on August 1st to see me walk across the stage like a cool kid. It'll be neat.

We're also going to Charleston on Friday and I'm so excited I can't see straight! Charleston is one of my favorite cities in the world for sure. Maybe my favorite... next to Oxford. I really loved Oxford. So I have this great camera and I'll be in a fabulous city with my amazing brother. I will have lots to share with you.

In the meantime I must return to reading for class. I have a big quiz and a few presentations to fine tune... wooohooo!

I saw this on another blog and fell totally in love with it. I love that people can abandon caution and just dance.
This makes my heart smile!

thought.

tonight i came home and sat with my brother as i slowly dissolved into something i didn't recognize but could empathize with.


..(what a loaded statement)..


i have a friend that is going to make a mistake, or so i feel, somewhat soon. it's an imminent decision on this friend's part. i see a brick wall, my friend sees happiness forever.

i have prayed long about my viewpoint. i have thought hard about my viewpoint. making ever so sure that i am in fact not projecting onto my friend my own reservations, but genuinely being unbiased so as to make the right decision when offering advice.


as i realized that though my friend asked and listened to my advice, they did not in fact hear and absorb it.


this friend is heading in a direction that i have been. i have to believe that there is redemption. i have to believe there is a reason why i went through what i did and why i continue to suffer and be plagued by it daily.


when my words were unceremoniously cast aside, it created something in me that i still do not recognize. something that i still am grappling with, and something i fear i will continue to grapple with. perhaps it's my own pain that i have been shielding myself from for so long. perhaps it's that i care far to much for the people in my life. perhaps God is trying to tell/teach me something. perhaps i'm very mellow dramatic. i'm afraid i don't know the answer.


my resounding question was and continues to be this:
have i not suffered enough?


have i not suffered enough, does it not count for anything? is there nothing i can do with my experience to make it somewhat positive? can i not teach others from my past? what is it?


and here i sit. still wondering. still not able to accept what is happening in my friend's life and not able to accept what is happening within myself.


God makes all things good. i'm working toward that. i'm working toward letting Him make this good. i'm working toward divine healing.



on a side note. a very light and fluffy side note, i found a daisy in my yard today. my yard, you must understand, is a barren waste land. nothing but random types of grass grows and not much at that. one, daisies are my favorite. two, it made my day.

Behold! The Daisy!

write love on your arm

There is an event on Facebook that is called "Write "Love" on Your Arm". It goes hand in hand with TWLOHA.

You can see from my profile picture & my tag line how much I dig this organization. Anything that offers genuine hope and rescue to people is something I'm all about. I know a lot of people that struggle with the issues that TWLOHA deals with. They are some of the best people I know and I love them very much. So obviously I have written Love on my arm today.

I got my brother to take part as well. Here are some pictures of our support:


Now, I'm going to encourage you, dear friend, to write Love on your arms and show support!
:]

mello

I've been reflecting a lot again.

I've been spending more and more time at Panacea which is very refreshing.

I've been spending a lot more time with God which is comforting.

I've been reconciling things also. That has been challenging.

The job at church begins in June, we'll see how this goes, I know God has a sense of humor and I certainly expect it to come out while I'm there. Soccer begins also in June, this will be interesting, the last time i played soccer it was in 8th grade( granted I'd played for about 6 years prior to this event) and I broke my ankle. This time I don't see that happening. I'm actually very excited to be part of a team that is full of fellowship... this is something to have fun with, and I'm really looking forward to that!

I'm taking two online classes, Chem and Native American Religion. After these two are complete I will be considered Western Carolina University Alumni as of August 1st. Wow.

I'll keep you posted, I'm sure there will be several breakdowns and moments of celebration in the next two months, but it's just part of the ride. This summer should be amazing, everyone is home and we're all starting a new chapter in our lives... it's all very exciting.

Goodnight!

i like...

Lately I like:
-wearing Birkenstocks with no socks
-wearing Chuck Taylors with tie-die shirts
-wearing Rainbows with sweaters
-spending time with old friends I haven't seen in months, sometimes years
-talking with friends about life, sex, God, faith, boys, problems, ducks...yes ducks
-the rain
-LOTR
-minnie mouse
-the color gray
-celtic knot earrings
-spending time with the most random people I know
-praying
-listening to William Fitzsimmons, Damien Rice, and Disturbed
-hanging with my brother
-listening
-learning
-making marketing ads for class
-thinking about the future
-crows
-new blossoms on trees
-swinging
-skipping class
-staying up late and getting up early
-concealer for the bags under my eyes
-spending more time at panacea
-clean sheets that smell like lavender
-bunnies
-left over chocolate easter eggs
-life is good shirts
-drinking coffee

...no wait, I always like drinking coffee.


that's all. well i mean not all. but that is all for now.

see you soon?

free hugs

the vine

So, today was my first Sunday off in many moons. Leslie has been asking me to go to her church, The Vine, with her for a long while and I decided to seize the day and go. My amazing friend Ryan is the youth pastor there and I have several friends that attend. So I mean what the heck right?

I have never been to a service like that. Ever. It was the coolest thing in the world. I met a ton of people right off the bat and they are all awesome! The pastor, Owen, was so personable... most pastors are, but not all of them are genuine (I hate to say) and he was just so happy to be there and it was like the Holy Spirit was pulsing all around him. It was so cool you guys.

You can read more about them on their website, the link is above. There was so much singing! There was a full band, comprised of members, there were roosters that were sling shots with scripture zipped in. There was dancing... literally, dancing. I got to dance for God this morning. There was an actor that portrayed Christ, and talked to us like we were his best friend. He told us stories, made us laugh, made us cry, and inspired us.

I like to be inspired. I love to be inspired because of God.
I was created to create. I'm embracing that as much as possible.

If you are every in Waynesville and feel the need for a great church full of life, love, and community I will recommend this one to you.

One down side to this is of course, that it was not my church. I'm thinking about making it my church. I'm just at Long's every Sunday basically. In the nursery with the little ones playing, making music, and just loving through Christ. That is one of the most beautiful things in my life. I got a little homesick for that this morning.

Random.

Now, if you have heard of William Fitzsimmons then you have earned 5 points from me. If you have not then go to myspace.com and type his name into the music page. Listen to "Passion Play", close your eyes and let the song take you where it will.

Also, Andy McKee. Youtube.com him and his song "Drifting". Again close your eyes and enjoy.

That is all I have for now. Other than the time change stinks. I like sleep, it keeps me pretty and taking an hour away from me is not okay. Blah Blah.

: D

This right here is why my life is oh so sweet (well this and Dansko's):




I have the greatest little kids in my life! This little one is the sweetest boy I know, furthermore his family is such an amazing blessing to me!

Love actually is all around

Happy Valentine's Day! To personal friends and internet friends alike!

Oh goodness. You know, some people absolutely dread this day. Some people dread it if they have someone, some people dread it because they don't have someone, and some people just hate it period.

I happen to love this holiday. No- I am not seeing anyone, yes I am single, and yes I love it. I look at today as a day for love. I spread my love around today to a lot of people. Whether it was telling someone I know really well that I love them or smiling at someone I've never seen before. And of course, any day that is all about the color pink is bound to be on my top 5.

But, this day was not about me and my love per se, but about God's love. I was hoping that today God could use me as a vessel of sorts to show His love. And I did all of the things today in His glory. I mean He is that cool.

I like to think about love. I like all kinds of love; agape love, romantic love, affectionate love, even tough love. To me love is profound. I have had many people disagree with me and my theory saying that I'm naive and that I don't really understand love. They might be right. But why would I let that stop me from trying to glorify my sweet God by way of showing love to others?

Answer: I wouldn't/won't
To be totally honest if this is in fact a naive view, then I'd rather be naive.

Today also served as a reminder that I should come at everyday with the same joy and uplifted spirit. I think once a year is far to little to express our love to one another. I personally thrive on love, whether it's from my family, my friends or the little kids at church (that is some of the purest love I've ever been privileged to be apart of). So from now on I want to wake up and approach my day with the intent of showing love. God uses us everyday -- this is one way I'd like to give back.

With that I'm off. I finished my horrible law quiz and my coffee and now it is time for much needed rest!

When love is not madness, it is not love.
~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I will willingly be the maddest of sorts!

oh goodness.

Sorry for lack of recent updates.
Life is crazy.


However, this song has been stuck in my head all day, so I'm sharing.

Enjoy!!

Gated Community

ps. Larry is my favorite!

check my reflection, I ain't feelin' what I see...

[I was made to love You, I was made to find You, I was made just for you, made to adore You]


I want so badly to upload some pictures for you. It's snowy outside and gorgeous. We'll see how it goes.

I've been struggling of late. I've had this big weight on my shoulders (I'm listening to Tobymac right now and it's hard to be serious like I should be when writing this... but I love his music it's uplifting). It's been something that I felt like God laid on me to do and then when the time came to do it, I felt like He had changed his mind. I've been so conflicted about the whole thing that I haven't prayed about it, just to avoid further confusion.

I loathe that feeling. When you feel as though God had told you to do something and when it finally comes time you no longer feel like that was exactly what He had intended. Ugh.

Tonight has been a not good night. I've had all kinds of distractions, including Harry Potter and for some reason I'm still in the mire. It's weird for me to be stuck in thought over something that seems so simple and something that I have in fact been able to separate myself from. There's the rub; thought and not prayer. I suppose the best course of action would be to dive into prayer about this and just sit under it. Sometimes, for me especially, it's so hard to just be sad over something. I'm learning that being sad, and sitting under it is okay sometimes. Not for a long time of course, let's not get depressed, but for a few days to just deal and get over it is productive. I'm so scared of sadness, I work so much better with anger. I've always had a temper and it seems that anger and I can deal with each other where sadness and I have never come to understand each other.

I don't know guys. Pray for me.


Anyways -- let's get to something cool--
I have been hanging a lot with Heather, nothing new there, but since it snowed we took a lot of pictures with the horses and in the the barn. We also went sledding last night in the snow with my brother Michael. It was so great. He had to save us, in order to live another day. My yard is ridiculous, it's a big hill that levels out a little and then goes off a bit of a cliff. So we're sledding, naturally in the direction of said cliff. We're young and seemingly invincible, so the mentality was: HECK YES!

We almost died. Which fueled our bravery. I ended up going down on my butt, finding that I could go faster that way courtesy of my snow pants. The other two were in sleds... it was pretty much amazing.

So -- the barn, let's see if these things will upload.
Sigh. Way to be awesome blogger. Way to be awesome.

Okay, I'll try uploading tomorrow. For now I leave you with this:

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

Joyce Kilmer

pictures!

Okay, so I was bad on the timing of actually posting these, but as I said, here they are!
NOTE: Taken on a camera phone. Deal.



This is Trouble. He's too cute.
This is Bo. He's my favorite.
The gorgeous Tucker.
Bo & Trouble, who share a stall because they're cool, eating away.
Tucker eating.


Heather and I have been spending a lot of time down at the barn taking care of these buggers. Today we spent forever shoveling poop and raking the saw dust -- I blew my nose after I got home, and it was black. No seriously. I love the work though, it's hard and my arms are sore, but it's good honest work. It's just something that I have found so valuable. Plus, I get to help out my friend and bond with these magnificent animals.

Nothing really substantial in this post, class starts tomorrow and I'm already tired and still have laundry to finish before bed. I'm off.

[Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day
saying, "I will try again tomorrow."]

"close my eyes, and hold my heart...

...cover me and make me something, change this something normal into something beautiful. "

Ah, you guys, life has taken some interesting turns here in the last week or so. God and I had a really great talk a few days ago in which He said somethings that I needed to hear. He amazes me when He does that. Sometimes we fly blind and have to trust and just go with it, and sometimes He is so blatant that we can't ignore Him anymore. This was one of those times for me. He told me that it's time for me to deal with a lot of things in my life that keep me from Him and from following Him. I'm so famous for always wanting to be in control, and because of this I get it in my head that I can handle everything, and in doing so I step in front of God and go it alone. He's reeled me back in, and none to late. (His timing, after all, is perfect)

There is redemption in most things. This one particular thing that I must face at this time is going to be excruciating. I know He is with me, and as the scripture puts it: what do I have to fear? The answer is of course, nothing. He has it all in control and so often I have to be reminded of that. I get overwhelmed by thoughts and doubts. If you guys want to take a second in your prayers and add one for me -- that would be awesome. I'm going to need it.

I have had to repeat my own theory of hope to myself several times. I also must believe there is redemption in this situation. I've already been blessed enough to see one aspect in which someone else can benefit from this (thank you Jesus).

Now, I have been going with my friend Heather to feed her horses. She has four, three boys and one girl. The girl is not very nice. But, the biggest and I believe she said oldest is Bo. He came right up to me the first time I was out there and loved on me. It was the coolest thing in the world, he's HUGE! I'm not kidding, this horse is so humongous he makes me nervous, well he used to. I've been going and helping a little but staying out of the way for most of it. It's so cool to be exposed to this part of country living. I mean I've never even really ridden a horse, and it's something I know I'd really enjoy. I've been inspired. There is such beauty in these gentle creatures, for something that is so powerful and so regal to be so loving is astounding to me. So often in life we see people walk around with an attitude of being powerful, and we see it reflected in their actions and their words. To be around an animal that could mow me down and not think twice about it, come to me and nuzzle me is so refreshing. It inspires me and it also renews something in my spirit.

Tomorrow there will be ample pictures of these sweet horsies.

For now though it is late, and I must sleep.



"Maybe we can stay, until the last drop of water flows under the bridge."
~Jars of Clay

happy new year! (well, one day too late)

Hello 2008, let's be friends.

Oh man, I have yet to make my list. I have a new Moleskine, and I have every intention of putting the list in there first. However, I want to post it here also.

Some things I have been thinking of include:

• Tone up (not lose weight, I know I don't need to do that).
• Take time to pray, there is always time to spend with Him. He deserves it after all.
• Be honest with God. Brutally honest, He knows it all anyways.
• Be still and listen.
  
• Take more photos, even when there is nothing inspiring around.
• Spend more time in the woods. That is where I feel more in tune, why have I stayed away?
• Don't let time (or lack there of) control my life and what I do.
• Have the courage to follow what He wants.
  

It's coming along quite nicely if I say so myself.

Lately I have been getting more private. I go through phases where I am all about being out and hanging with friends and going places and being a nerd, and then I have times where I retreat back into myself. I become less social, unless it involves a coffee shop outing, I become more private in the goings on of my life. Normally the people that mean a lot to me are informed of what I do and who I see and whatnot. Lately, unless you live with me or YOU have contacted me directly, you don't see or hear from me.

I can't really explain the reason for my behavior pattern in this regard. I use this time (usually) to grow and to create. I create all the time, but in times like this I'm much more reflective and analytical about what I create, whether it is a photograph, a cup of coffee (yes.), or a sketch. It also forces me to deal with issues I'm avoiding. It's so painful, but so rewarding -- most of the time. I'm not going into detail on here as to what is ailing me right now. That is for my dairy, me and God. But, if you should feel compelled to pray for me, that would be great.

I think I'm going to stop here for the night. I've been talking to my friend Brent in the midst of writing this and am now drained.

One final thing I'll leave with you is:
Redemption Songs
Jars of Clay

listen and enjoy.